I'm a prisoner of words unsaid. Just lonely feelings locked away in my head. I trap myself further everytime I stay quiet. I start to speak but I stop and stay silent. And now I've made my own hard bed.
Inside a prison of words unsaid
All my life, I've never been the type of person to have a lot of friends. I always knew a lot of people, and a lot of people knew me, but that was simply because I stayed in some kind of spot light such as a school play or sports team. Making friends was something I never really had to do because I was just known. When I went away to college, I spent my Freshman year trying to make friends, but often times I realized that the friends I was trying to make, were not the type of friends I wanted to have. I don't know if that discouraged me or not, but for the most part, the rest of my time in undergrad I spent with no attempts to make any friends. I stayed to myself. I was anti-socail. I knew some people, some people knew me, and that was that.
Now I've come to the point where I think I desire friendship. I long for multiple phone calls on the weekend to hang out here and do that there, and not just from niggas tryna hit. I don't have "girls" to have girls night out with. I don't have a "crew" to have a get together with. What I have is a couple friends who have close relationships with others and who have best friends. I believe different friends serve different purposes. There are friends for going bowling with. There are friends for discussing favorite television shows with. There are friends for clubbing with. Some people even have friends stickly for having sex. But I don't really have many friends of my own. Why?
Maybe I'm too picky with the company I keep. I don't want to be around people who smoke all the time. I don't want to be around people who spend a vast amount of time doing things that amount to nothing. I don't want to be around people who haven't accomplished much in life and who don't have goals for the future. And I don't want to be around people who have little to no class. Don't get me wrong. I'm not lonely and depressed or anything. I do have 2 or 3 friends and I appreciate then more than anything. But am I asking to much? If not, why don't I have friends? Am I missing something? Is it all that it's hyped up to be?
Up until today, I think I've had an unintentional, unnoticeable, unacknowledged lack of respect for men with a no education, and with blue-collar jobs. It was never that I looked down upon those type of men, but when it came to dating, I would barely give them the time of day, and if I did, it was with no intent to give them the opportunity of knowing my heart. Maybe I felt I was too good for them, which is quite odd seeing as though I've only had my degree a little more than a year, and many of them probably make more money than I do. But reality has hit.
Last week, in one of my schools (I do social work in a select number of Chicago Public High Schools), I had a number of men flirting and competing for my attention. A few of them were security guards with baby-mamas, one was a teacher, degreed, experienced, and traveled (adj), another was a janitor cleaning the lunchroom between each lunch period, and one was a lunchroom volunteer who was very inspiring, Biblically knowledgeable, well versed, probably retired, and old enough to be my daddy's uncle. When presented with such a variety of men with such a variety of experience and life achievement, I think that I instinctively endowed (I think that's the word I want to use) more respect to the degreed teacher and the retired volunteer. And I didn't realize that I had done this until I had a borderline sexually harrassing conversation with one, and heard a sermon on sex and my purpose in life from the other that made me question the appropriateness of the topic.
What do you all think of this observation? Have my degree and salaried employment lead my mind to a place so high that I think I am too good for a certain population of people...my own people? I'm really...shocked, to say the least, that I've been this way. But let me know what you all think.